


one step closer

by rameneatermeatbeater



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Sadstuck, The Homestuck Epilogues: Meat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-07 02:19:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18863743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rameneatermeatbeater/pseuds/rameneatermeatbeater
Summary: Kanaya and Dave grieve together.





	one step closer

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a short, self indulgent fic of dave and kanaya being pale and kanaya grieving over her wife. the epilogues broke my heart so here's some rosemary to break yours

_I have died every day, waiting for you_   
_Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years_   
_I'll love you for a thousand more._

Rose leaves, and you are absolutely, irrevocably shattered. It’s all your fault.

You were so incredibly stupid, believing that she would leave on her own will. You loved that woman with every inch of your being, every cell in your heart. She loved you too, and you just let that monster steal her away. 

When you and your accomplices reach Jake’s mansion, it’s too late. He’s sitting on the floor, weeping. He knows exactly what you’re going to ask, and he just shakes his head. They’re miles and miles away now, into the deep abyss of space. Space is your aspect, but you’ve never hated it so much. You sink down onto your knees, onto Jake’s perfectly polished floor, and allow jade tears to stream from your eyes. Karkat tentatively places a hand on your shoulder, and you don’t push him away. You don’t have the energy to do anything but cry.

Dave flies you all home, even though it’s a terrible hazard with the wet sheen that covers his pupils. Karkat pushes his face into Dave’s shoulder and mumbles Rose’s name like a prayer. You clutch onto his waist with weak, trembling fingers, and you almost let go. Dave lands, cape fluttering, at your house, and you nod your thanks. You don’t trust your voice.

The door opens, and it’s never been more obvious that this isn’t your home. The hallways are empty and silent. There’s no violin music creeping around corners. In all honesty, you have never liked this house. You stayed there for Rose. You would do anything for Rose.

Your next move is obvious.

…

All of your precious belongings go into boxes within the hour. Neither you nor Rose were particularly materialistic people, so you don’t have very many valuables to keep track of. You take Rose’s knitting needles and yarn, even though you know she won’t be needing them anymore. You apply a thin layer of black lipstick and pack that away as well. You have many framed pictures of you and your wife, but you decide to only take one; your wedding photo. 

She’s in her inky tuxedo, complete with a pink tie, and you’re clothed in your white wedding dress. The two of you are radiant, and your happiness is contagious. You swathe the photo in layers upon layers of paper and place it at the bottom of the box. You take three outfits and far too much cat food with you when you leave the house, placing it in your motorized vehicle.

You reenter the house twice more to carry more essentials, and you place your three cats in their carriers during your last time in the house. They purr, blissfully ignorant of the Rose-shaped hole in the house. Without your darling keeping the home warm, the rooms seem unwelcoming.

It takes you approximately four minutes to compose yourself in the car. You pull out your palmhusk and troll Karkat. He’s more than willing to let you crash at his house for a while, but his words seem to imply that he’s feeling sorry for you. This sends a bolt of anger through you, because the last thing you need right now is anyone’s condolences. You’re painfully aware that you will never see the love of your life again. Reminding you is unnecessary.

You pull up to Karkat’s house and refuse his offer to help you bring your miniscule number of boxes inside. When you finally manage to carry your things to the guest room, your arms ache. You have always been polite, but you don’t want to have to talk to them right now. You don’t want them to lead you into a pointless conversation, while the elephant in the room hangs precariously over your heads. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since Rose vanished with Dirk, and you don’t know how you’ll live for the next couple centuries without her. It’s impossible. It’s unthinkable. It’s the only option.

The next three hours are spent in your new room, but you remind yourself that you need to eventually go out and thank your friends for their kindness. 

Your head is held high when you leave the room, and you’ve combed your hair back into something that looks vaguely presentable before they lay eyes on you. Karkat smiles weakly. Dave doesn’t look at you.

“May I make some tea?” You ask, slowly walking to the kitchen. A teapot is one of the only non-futuristic things that they have in their house. 

“You can do whatever you want, Kanaya,” Karkat says. It’s gruff, but kind. “You’re a guest here.”

You heat up the water and make yourself tea. You put no milk or sugar into the cup, and a smile almost creeps onto your face. You have had many arguments with Rose about this. “Darling, you know that I love you to pieces, but I’m afraid we will have to divorce if you continue to drink leaf water with no additives,” she would say, kissing your cheek and laughing.

The thought warms you, just slightly, and you cling to that hesitant spark of hope like a promise. You drink your tea primly, taking a seat on the couch next to your friends. The three of you sit like that, each doing your respective activities, for an awkwardly long amount of time. Karkat gets up and tells you that he’s going to visit the hospital, going to ask how Jade is doing. It’s very clearly an excuse to get out of the house, but neither of you comment on it. 

He quickly escapes through the front door, leaving just you and Dave on opposite sides of the couch. He clears his throat, and you hope that he’s not going to speak oh god dammit.  
“So,” he mutters. “Uh, I’m sorry. This fucking sucks.” 

“Seeing as Rose was your sister and Dirk was your ‘Bro’, I would hope that you think it ‘more than sucks’.”

He laughs dryly, even though your comment wasn’t that amusing. Rose would snipe back. Rose would affectionately tell you to get better material. Rose would make a joke about human sarcasm. Dave does none of these things, and you don’t know why you expect him to.

“Everyone’s leaving,” he says instead. His voice wavers, and he stares at the coffee table that he’s resting his feet on. “My sister is off in space with my Bro. Jade’s in the hospital, and who knows if she’ll recover properly? I have no idea where John is. I saw Terezi for less than a minute before she left.” All of this spills out of him like salt on a table. He’s obviously bitter, and you don’t blame him in the slightest. “I only have Karkat and Roxy left.”

You don’t mention that you’re still here, because it’s obvious that’s not what he wants to hear. Instead, you scoot over to him and gently pap him. If there’s one thing you’re good at, it’s being a fantastic moirail. The two of you aren’t in the pale, but you think that he needs pale gestures right now. The odd human tears slide down his cheeks, leaving tracks down his skin. “When she first left, I thought that she was leaving to go be with Dirk,” you say.

He blinks a couple times, seeming horrified at the thought. “You were the only one for Rose,” he says. “She was Kanaya-sexual. She talked about you constantly. She loved you more than anything.”

You feel like crying again, but you’re out of tears from your previous sobbing session. “She loved you too,” you say. “You were her brother, you still are, and she always wanted you to be happy. I don’t know why she left, but the woman who left wasn’t our Rose.”

Dave seems to agree with this, giving you a jerky nod in response. “I’m gonna call Roxy over,” he decides, wiping his face clean and picking up his phone. “I’m picking up great feelings jam vibes. Karkat would be stoked.”

You snort at that. “I’m sure he would be pleased to scold you on the topic of feelings jams and how they are exclusive to moirails, though I am not sure you would be pleased to hear it.”

His face softens as he thinks of Karkat, and you feel a brief rush of that same hope from before. “Anything but that. If he draws a feelings jam schedule, I’m jumping out the window.” 

Your eyes meet, and you both start to laugh. It feels good. It’s the best thing you’ve felt all day. Maybe you do have hope. Maybe, one day, you’ll begin to heal from your trauma. You’ll be able to think of Rose without tears spilling from your eyes and staining your bedsheets green. You’ll be whole again.

But for now, you think that you’re okay like this. You’re okay with feeling empty, and you’re okay with taking your time to grieve. You think that Rose would be proud of your decision. You hope that Rose would be proud of you.

No, you know she would.


End file.
